(been a rollercoaster) it’s been so long since I sat myself down long enough to process via caption (the crème de la crème of processing for me) I avoid when things get overwhelming and then I watch as things pile up and here I am (the past few weeks have been a constant changing tide with big waves and harsh currents pulling in all directions) I feel disconnected from my normal sense of vision and I feel confused as to why I am not where I want to be (at the end of the day my ideal situation seems impossible so I will rest in knowing God is my anchor and he has only the best in store for me so I set it all at his feet and say thank god you’re god)
(Over coffee thoughts) I’ve been having lots of conversations with God about how to be where I am instead of set on what is to come (for as long as I can remember I’ve been one to seek vision for my future — I started saving for a house when I was 17, started my own company at 21, and all done for the legacy I wanted to lead but fueled by god) I see that so clearly now — all I am, all I have, all I will have comes from him and all glory goes back to him (I’ve spent the past months in actual real pure joy over the fact that it’s not about what he can do for me but about knowing him more yet wow he’s done some amazing things along the way)
(behind the scenes) I’ve been questioning quite a bit (living in a constant state of conversation in Jesus) really good really hard really growing conversations (you all see the tip of that iceberg here on social media) the fun coffee dates, dog walks, outfits and highlight reel (but behind the scenes of every account on this beautiful platform is a real life with real imperfections and real life circumstances) so let’s give ourselves and those around us a little grace to be where we are, not compare, and rest
(Full cup) what does it look like to live in constant overflow (to live in more than enough) to love without borders or boundaries (to give abundantly without expectation of reciprocation) if not what then who and how do we live as a mirror of that
(Smiles all around) since I was little I had such a strong vision for my life (for jobs, for relationships, for timelines etc.) I held so tightly to the way I thought things would go and so much has come from that (gold & glow, incredible relationships, the list goes on) but until this month I never realized that maybe my big picture vision wasn’t god’s vision (I’ve been given an incredible gift of growing in relationships recently and there’s been a huge opportunity to ask God what his vision is) so for this moment I want to celebrate the path to get me here and say a big “I TRUST YOU” to where I’m going (it’s not at all what I thought and this is just the beginning)
(light & easy) the past few months have felt insane (like really really full) yet all along the way I’ve been so at rest (maybe I’ve finally found myself abiding) not out of a place of striving or trying but of finally really letting go (surrender always seemed so heavy and serious but the more I do it the more I find that is simple and joy driven (I guess full surrender and trust really does make life light and easy no matter the circumstances) god really is real
(turning pages) it’s really easy to think of evolving and growing as the same thing but there’s a key difference because evolving looks like changing to fit an atmosphere but growing has a sense of staying firm yet maturing on (I feel that for so long I wanted to evolve to be what felt fitting — I changed, conformed, warped, bent over backwards until I hit a breaking point) I see in retrospect how that hurt people around me, held people at a distance despite my wanting investment in relationships, & how much that kept me from actually growing (in finally putting my habit of evolving to death I’ve found true growth) it’s felt like looking in a mirror — finally seeing all the brokenness yet also seeing him putting it all back together piece by piece to make me whole (I’ve finally found my footing in compassion, patience, & kindness)
(Sweet and simple) it feels as though I’m being refined (before I go on let’s absolutely settle that I’ve been made new through the cross yet still there seems to be some fine detailing he’s doing after that fact) it all started with a doctors appointment where truth got unleashed for the first time in years (all the things I was on the cusp of for so long got put out into the light for me and God to finally talk about) trauma stored in the body is real but god’s redemption once you acknowledge that is even more real (from there a snowball of hard conversations, unbelievably hard acknowledgments, & a serious level of freedom happened) it seems so complex looking back because the levels of freedom felt so HUGE but in the moment all I saw was that his truth sets me free and it’s a sweet/simple gospel that gets me there
(comfort zone) what are boundaries when you have been given freedom to love like Jesus (what are comfort zones when you’ve been given the eternal comforter) what are all these things that seem so right to us when we’ve been given so much more than we can see here in the physical (I’ve been really reworking all these things in my mind because what I’ve always known doesn’t seem to cut it anymore) I’ve found an easy yoke and real joy
(still) I’ve been diving in deep for the past 5 months to find real truth (to stop all the enablement and finally settle in myself what I want to believe about life) I’ve found that I’m here simply to love and serve (that Jesus was far more counter cultural than I thought) that looking like Jesus isn’t a long drawn out process but moments of choosing to believe (that faith is crucial to it all) & that I’m loved beyond what I could even imagine
(live to learn) the more I listen to people, ask questions to unfold stories, and read between the lines to see real hearts I find that we’re all learning (no one is perfect) we mess up, make mistakes, respond, react and sometimes do really well in contradiction to our past (I’ve seen such beautiful growth and deeply know that through forgiveness, moving on, clear communication, and honoring one another we can bring humanity to line up with heaven)
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